The Healing in Spending Time Alone

I’ve always grown up with the saying, “You can never love anyone, if you don’t love yourself.” I never truly understood what they were trying to explain to me though. I associated love with how much other people cared about me. I never considered that loving inwardly was possible. Because, in all honesty, I hated myself for years unconsciously.

The definition of Self Love is to love oneself unconditionally including your mistakes and your flaws. It’s knowing your worth and what you deserve. It’s overcoming the desire to change for other people and simply be yourself because you are happy with the person that you are regardless of if it pleases anyone or not. I fought with self love my entire life. It wasn’t just because I hated the choices and behaviors I had, it was also because I looked for approval from others. When I didn’t get it, I hated everything about myself.

I tried to run as far as my legs could take me. Whenever there was a new chance to move to and go somewhere different, I welcomed it. I felt that if I was in a new place I’d be a new me. I would automatically become a different person with healed trauma and a different mindset. I assumed that things would magically come together as they were supposed to. I’d change my clothes, my hair,my place of living, my job, and my relationship. Anything that had to do with my environment I’d adjust. I never thought to look on the inside. I kept hitting the same damn wall every single time.

I continuously asked myself why? How do I always get stuck in the same place? I never took the time to face what I was going through. I never looked at my problems and sat with them. I never allowed myself to truly feel what I was going through. I thought change was impossible.

My simple excuse was this is just how I am. This is just how I am. I was just how I am because I trained my brain to be that way! And if you can train your brain to master certain things you can unlearn them and become new again. Is it harder the second time to unlearn something? Yes of course it is! I was waiting for this answer, waiting for someone to save me. when the answer was in front of my face the entire time, I just didn’t want to see it. My eyes were closed. God kept pointing me in the direction of the answer to all my problems.

I turned away from him and kept running because I was afraid. Afraid of what changing meant for me . Afraid of letting go of my trauma because it was all I really knew. This pain that I so badly hated had become familiar and I didn’t know if I’d be okay without it. I didn’t want to hold myself accountable. I wanted to run so badly and I did. For years and years I tried to get rid of my problems and the same patterns continuously kept coming because I wasn’t eliminating the issue.

Until just a few weeks ago, I’ve been blocking out all the things I know I needed to change and have been veering on the wrong path. I avoided anything that would truly help me because of the fear of familiarity. This trauma, these patterns, and this behavior was comfortable. It was all I’ve known and to break out of it would mean change. I got fed up though. I got sick and tired of myself and my perspective on life.

Within a few weeks, I started to notice a huge change within myself and my soul.

I made a daily routine and stuck to it. I woke up every morning and journaled my emotions. I prayed, meditated, and spent my days at work listening to healing and self help books and podcasts. When night time hit, I would do an overview of my day. What emotions I felt and why. I would journal again, do shadow work, and really took the time to dive into my negative patterns. I didn’t allow myself to be ashamed of the way I was before, because it got me this far and I rested when I needed to. But, I also continuously spent time alone so I could start to feel peace within myself. How much time do you spend time alone reflecting? Or talking to God? Or even just meditating?

This is why it’s so important to actively do these things so that you can truly and authentically be the person that you know you are. And you’re not fixing yourself because you were never broken! You just thought you were.

But, you’re allowing the darkest parts of yourself to be soothed and loved, so that you can grow into a better you. Without distractions, the silence will open you up to a different side of yourself and cause you to not only grow into the person that you know you are. But, it will take you to new heights and allow the change in your perspective on life.